Lieber Eurydice,

I just found this diary while I was packing my suitcase, under a random pile of books. I didn't even know I had it... And then I remembered that you bought it to me, a few years ago. You told me it was for the times when I needed someone to talk to and you weren't there to listen to me.
You know well that writing has never really been my cup of tea, especially writing in a diary. I'm not patient enough to keep that kind of thing up to date. But time has passed, and now I actually need someone to talk to. And this is pretty much all I have left from you. I need you so bad... I would give anything to have you back, you know.
I don't know if I'll be able to write every day. I'm so messy that I'm more likely to lose it somewhere and forget about it, but I'll try to keep it up to date for a few months, at least. And since I find it quite stupid to talk to a diary, I'll just pretend I'm writing to you. Like we used to do not so long ago, you remember ? Those were the good old days... I miss it. I miss waiting for your owls to come, I miss your long letters, your elegant handwriting and your kind words. I miss you. Every second of every day. Maybe this diary can help me, after all. Help me forget that you'll never actually read all of this and that I'm just a lonely man with a broken heart and a insatiable thirst for revenge.

I'll leave it on my desk when I get to Hogwarts, so I won't forget to write in it from time to time.

Lieber Eurydice,

It's been two weeks since I came back to England, I couldn't find the time to write to you sooner, I'm sorry. I have been quite busy, with my new schedule, my new students, and stuff. Hogwarts is so different from what I remember... If it were up to me, I would have stayed in France, where the people were much more mannerly and where the food was actually edible. At least they make good tea... But I had no choice, with what happened this summer. I couldn't leave our family alone after that. They need me as much as I need them. We miss you so much, you have no idea...
What I'm going to say may be very selfish from me, but in a way I'm glad to be at Hogwarts now, because it was beginning to be very hard to hear Mother cry in her room every night and not be able to do anything about it. I never saw her cry like that before, and it breaks my heart. I feel so powerless, I wish I knew what to do.
Oh, by the way, I didn't tell you... I took the Dark Mark. Finally. I thought that's what you would have wanted for me. All these years, you kept saying that you wanted me by your side, and I never dit it. I feel really guilty. If I had been there, I could have protected you, and you may still be with us today...
But still, I think it's really not esthetical. Seriously, this is so kitsch, they could have come up with a better idea. Of course, I didn't tell that to the Lord, I fear he would have took it the wrong way and it would definitely not serve my interests. He told me he was going to help me find the one who took your life. And when we do, he's all mine. I can do whatever I want with him. Or her. I never killed anybody and I never intended to do so, but... This one just can't stay alive. I can't allow it. Nobody touches my family without suffering the consequences of it. But this isn't the most important. Aloysius told me that the Lord is looking for the Deathly Hallows. As you may know, one of them can bring people back to life. This is the one I want. Even if I have to steal it from him, or even worse, I'll do it. To be very honest with you, I still don't really care about the Lord, or the Death Eaters, or anything that has something to do with them. All I want is the resurrection stone they're looking for. I want you back. I'll never give up on you, I promise.

Aside from that, all is well for me. I got my new teaching post and it seems to start pretty well. I'm with our old friend Leviathan, and we get along really well, even better than before. My other colleages seem quite nice, from what I have seen. Except for the boring, grumpy one called Williams. I don't know what the hell I've done, but he really doesn't seem to like me. And this is a mutual feeling. I don't trust him. How could I ? He used to be an auror. I know he wasn't at Belize this summer, but maybe he was friends with the disgusting vermin who dared laying their filthy fingers on you. And this simple idea makes me want to throw up.
With all I just said to you, I can't keep leaving this diary on my desk. If someone found it... I don't want to think about it. So, I'm going to hide it somewhere in my room and cast a fair amount of spells on it to be sure no one could possibly find it but me. And since I have a really bad memory, I may forget where I hid it, and my next entries could be less regular. I'm sorry about it, but I have no choice, I know you understand.

I've got to leave now, it's nearly tea time and I promised Lenore I would take her to Hogsmeade to have tea.

Hey,

I am SO SORRY, i forgot about the diary. I forgot where I hid it last time. And I was so busy theses past months, I'm sorry.
It was Christmas today. Honestly, it was horrible. Worst Christmas ever. Everyone put up a happy face, but I could see right through it, nobody felt happy tonight. They all stared during the whole meal at your empty chair next to me. I left the table early, I couldn't stand the silence and the grim looks. I wasn't hungry anyway.
I came to visit your grave earlier. I didn't want to leave you alone on this special day.
Please come back it's too hard without you
I'm trying to stay strong, I promise. That's what you would have wanted, right ? I've been working on a thing recently, it's kinda complicated but I It's very complicated and frustrating but I have to do it. You never had the chance to see it, but all the students have their patronus with them now. And since mine changed and became yours, I want to have it with me too. It's really hard, the spell won't last everytime I cast it. I guess it's because I have a hard time finding any happy memories able to conteract the sadness. But I keep trying. And I will succeed. For you.
I miss you Eurydice, I wish you could read all of this. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I think I'm drunk. I should probably go to bed.

Du hast keine Ahnung, wie sehr ich dich vermisse.

Lieber Eurydice,

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse at Hogwarts, they did. Dumbledore is gone. I don't know where nor why, but he's gone. And he left the school at the hands of someone from the Ministry. A guy named Powell, never heard of him before. And you'll never guess what he made us do, the very day of his arrival. We spent the last few hours rummaging through the students rooms, looking for what ? I'm still not sure. But he's not fooling anyone – at leat not me. I know he's looking for Death Eaters. I know our family is not stupid enough to let anyone know of our affiliation with the Dark Lord, so it's alright for now. But what if it gets worse ? What if Powell ends up checking everyone's arms, searching for the Mark ? I have a really bad feeling about him. I hope he won't stay long here.

Lieber Eurydice,

I have never been so scared in my entire life. Today I learned something that I never thought would happen to me. I have a daughter. Can you believe it ? Me neither. Her name is Eszter. She gave me her birth-certificate, there is no doubt, she told me the truth. I still can't believe it...
Do you remember Liz ? I'm pretty sure I told you about her, years ago. I met her when I was fifteen. We stayed together for six months  more or less, before she left Hogwarts. Turns out she was pregnant. I don't understand why she kept it to herself, I deserved to know. I feel like my life just shattered to pieces and there's nothing I can do about it. I need help, I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do. I was so afraid I left Eszter without even a simple goodbye. I think I ruined everything. She'll never want to talk to me again... What do I do ? How do I fix it up ? I can't act as if nothing happened. I want her to know that I'm sorry, I never should have reacted the way I did, but I panicked, I couldn't think straight. I'm so stupid... I think I'll try to send her a letter, and maybe later I'll try to talk to her again, face to face. I hope it'll work, I really don't want things to end like that.
I wish you were here, you always know what to do...

Lieber Eurydice,

THAT'S IT ! I DID IT !
My patronus appeared tonight, and it stayed ! It became more and more consistent as the minutes passed, and now it looks like a real living wolf. It has nothing to do anymore with the bluish haze that used to appear when I cast the spell.
It's so beautiful... And huge ! I have never seen a wolf so big in my life. Actually, I should say 'she', because she's indeed a girl. At first I wanted to name her after you, but she didn't want to, and now that I think about it, she was right, it would have been a bit weird, I think. So I named her Freyja, which means 'Lady', in Old Norse language, I thought is was appropriate. Maybe not very original, though, but is suits her quite well and she seems to like it.
It's been a few hours now that she appeared, and she has been snooping around my room the whole time, she's so cute. She keeps saying she doesn't like hugs, but I know she's lying, I can see what's going on in her mind. She reminds me a bit of you, actually... I love her so much already. I can't wait to show her to the other teachers. Especially Williams. Now he'll finally have a solid proof that I'm better than him – which left no doubt already, but still. I hate this guy so very much. I didn't know it was possible to be so annoying. Even Lenore is not that irritating, can you imagine ? At least he's got a nice ass, but that doesn't make up for his loathsome personality.

I sent a owl to our parents to tell them the news. I hope they'll be proud of me. I hope you are too, wherever you are... It's good to have someone to talk to, someone who understands what I'm feeling – even if it feels a bit strange too, because she can see absolutely every single one of my thoughts. I still can't believe I did it. It's mainly thanks to Eszter, actually. We made up after our last conversation. And it seems like we get along pretty well now. She's adorable. And I was so happy that I could finally cast a spell powerful enough to make Freyja appear.
Oh, and guess what ? I've got a pet pygmy puff, now. This is literally the cutest little pink ball of fur I've ever seen. I called him Mini-Ethan, because he's ridiculous and frankly stupid, just like the real Ethan. But still, I really like him (the pygmy puff, of course, not Ethan).
I cannot say my life is perfect, because I still miss you terribly, but it's been a long, long time since I've felt that good.

Hey Sister,

I don't know if it is because of the upcoming two-month-holiday perspective, or the weather that's been really good since last week, or just the fact that I have fewer and fewer papers to mark, but I'm feeling quite good these days. It's a strange feeling, to be able to genuinely smile and be filled with positive thoughts after all this pain. I almost feel guilty about it, to be happy when you're not there, to experience new things, create new memories, with you not being part of it. But don't misunderstand me, I'll never forget about you, I promise you that.
All of Hogwarts seems to be going through a kind of restless effervescence, final exams are just a few days away now. I have a lot to do, it's almost a miracle that I found some time to write to you. Lately there has been rumors saying that Powell is leaving soon. I don't know if it's true, but I hope so. That would be a good change, among all the changes happening now. And, of course, Williams continues to be a pain in the ass. That, at least, is one of the few things that hasn't changed.

Aside from that, I get along really well with my patronus. The more I spend time with Freyja, the more I love her. I couldn't have dreamt of a better company, she really understands me. I just wish she wasn't so sarcastic all the time. Also, everytime I try to cuddle her she growls at me, that's very frustrating, because she's so fluffy and adorable. She's like a giant soft toy. She looks grumpy and acts the tough girl, but I know that deep down she's a softie. (Just as I was writing this she tried to bite me, but whatever). She's been a real support since her arrival, to the point I find it hard to remember how it felt when she wasn't there.
I wonder what I'll be doing this summer. I suppose I'll be back at home and spend at least a month with our family. I kind of miss everyone. But I also want to spend time with Eszter. I know she won't come to our house, I think it's still a bit early for her and a bit too much to meet the whole family at once, even if Mother and Father said they'd be delighted to see her. I thought about spending a week or two in Paris, just the two of us. I'll have to talk to her about this, it could be really great. We'll see.

Lieber Eurydice,

I don't have much time to write to you, I'm sorry, I'm leaving soon. Leviathan decided to organize a kind of party tonight. A sleepover, to be exact. With all our colleagues. Weird, right ? But not really, it's one of Levi's ideas, after all. I still have no idea of what I'm going to wear, since I usually don't wear anything to sleep. I hope I have some regular clothes with sleeves, I wouldn't want anyone to see the damn thing tattooed on my arm. I put some makeup on it, I hope it'll last until tomorrow morning.
To be very honest with you... I think I'm starting to hate it. I mean, it's really inconvenient, in addition to being ugly. When I took the Dark Mark, I thought it would make me change for the best, I thought it would make me change my mind and care more about the Lord and what he's doing. But it never did. I can't help it. I don't care. I mean, I still don't like muggles and things like that, but I don't really want to do anything about it, other than keeping my distances from them of course. Also, I'm afraid that Eszter will hate me when she'll find out. Because she will, I can't hide something like that, especially if our families are bound to spend more and more time together. Honestly, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I don't know which thing is the most appealing to me, concerning the upcoming evening. The amounts of food and alcoohol I'm going to have, of the perspective of bothering Williams as much as I can. As surprising as it is, I don't hate him as much as I used to. Although I should, since he beat the hell out of me a month ago. I admit I've been looking for trouble this time, but I never thought he would actually do it. But I wasn't so bad at defending myself, contrary to what Freyja says. And we had such a good time a week ago that I almost forgive him. I never thought something like that would happen between us. A normal, pleasant conversation. Unbelievable. He even offered me a drink, can you imagine ? And I offered him a soft toy I won at the Festival. I don't know which one is worse... Now I'm not sure anymore about my feelings for him. I mean, we still continue to annoy each other as soon as we're in the same room, but in a much more friendly way than we used to. It's really weird. And Freyja won't stop making fun of me. I'm confused.

Lieber Eurydice,

There has been an accident.
We were on the train, heading to Hogwarts as usual, and... It came off the rails while we were on the bridge, it nearly fell off.  And we all nearly died. It's terrible.
I was injured by some heavy suitcase which fell over me when the wagon I was in started falling, but Levi healed me, so I'm alright now. I was very, very lucky.
I've spent the last five hours in sick bay, trying to help as much as I could. A lot of students were badly injured. Fortunately, our family seems to be alright. Eszter is alright too. Ethan was injured, something's wront with his back. I hope it's not too bad... I can't stand seeing him in pain. If I hadn't found him when we were still in that damn wagon, he would be dead by now. Just the idea of losing him... I don't want to think about it.
I feel horrible. Because I know it wasn't an accident. A few days ago, I heard Cythere talking about something involving Death Eaters, that would happen at the start of the school year. But I didn't know what it was at the time, because the Dark Lord and the others dont trust me, I'm usually not part of important projects. If I only knew... I probably couldn't have stopped it anyway, but... I don't know. I feel terribly guilty. And also very, very upset that some members of my family decided it was a good idea to be part of something that could kill some of their cousins. I coul've died. Eszter and Lothar could've died. My cousin and my own sister nearly killed us. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that. I know you can't simply refuse to obey the Lord's orders and walk away like that, but...

I realised something very important today. I will never be a true Death Eater. I know it. I've tried. I've tried to change, to be who our parents wanted me to be, who you wanted me to be. But I can't, I just can't. I'm sorry. I have so much hatred for that thing tattooed on my arm. I will never get used to it. I'm really sorry, I know I'm a dissapointment. But I can't change who I am.
I hope you can forgive me, wherever you are.

Lieber Eurydice,

I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner, but I couldn't find the time to do it. A lot happened in a few months. I'm a bit confused and really tired.
You'll never guess who came back to Hogwarts this year ! Ryan. That's right, our Ryan. I discovered he was the new gamekeeper only mid-september, because that oaf I call my best friend didnd't even tell me he was there. After he litteraly vanished into thin air last summer, he finally sent me an owl. Our reunion was... Kinda moving, actually. And drenched in alcohol. I really missed him. I never thought he would come back. I thought I had lost him for good...
Anyway, you'll be happy to hear that he's fine. He's still recovering from your passing, just as I am. But things are getting better. Slowly but surely.

Also, something unbelievable happened to me. You see, a week ago I couldn't find my keys and I was really worried that I had lost them. So I searched in my office, in the staff room, literally everywhere. And when I finally went to search for them in my flat, guess what I found ? Rosemary. She was sitting at my desk, reading some of my papers. Obviously, she wasn't expecting to see me here. And the keys I had lost ? She had them, of course.
So she began threatening me, saying she was there to find evidence against me. Honestly, I was terrified. I have never been so scared in my life. I've had the Dark Mark for more than a year now and nobody has ever suspected anything. Except for her.
Then she asked to see my arm. I was confident, because I had put some makeup on it in the morning. But it was there, clearly visible. And she saw it, obviously. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. At that moment I thought I was screwed. I could already see myself arrested and going to spend the rest of my days in a cell in Azkaban.
But none of this happened, or I wouldn't be here writing to you. Instead, we talked. I never thought she would actually listen to me. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't like the other Death Eaters. I told her about you... I think it's the first time I talk to someone about you, since you passed away. Except for Ryan, of course. But even with him... We usually avoid the subject, it's still painful for both of us.
Anyway, I think I convinced her, because she let me go. I hope she'll keep it secret.

Aside from that, I'm fine. Almost. I'm a bit melacholic these days. I miss Williams. I never thought I would write something like that ever, but I can't deny it. I miss him a lot. Since the accident in september, we were... Close. Kinda. At least, closer than we used to be.
There was something going on between us, I could feel it. I don't know what it was. Some kind of... Complicity ? Something like that. It felt odd, and weirdly pleasant. It was almost like we were friends.
Everything was going just fine, but since Halloween, it's like there is nothing. As if that strange bond between us was gone, as if it never existed. He won't look at me like he used to, he won't talk to me either. And I don't know why. I have done litteraly nothing to annoy him.
Freyja says it may be because I did something he didn't like at the bal, but I can't remember doing anything ? I'm very confused. And sad. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. I can't even talk about it to Ryan because no one must know that I like Ethan.
Why are things so complicated ?
Ich wünschte du wärst hier, um mir zu helfen. Ich vermisse dich auch.