Dear Diary...

That has been a long time since I haven't wrote anything in any paper like. You don't care, I know, but it's like coming back to an old friend and discovering that you let it out when you needed it the most. I know that I left you at the hardest moment in my life and it would have been good for to talk, even to a diary. Now it's a little to late to do it. It's a little to late to close the angry and suffering doors which have been openned for too long. All I want know is to succeed to live with them and not doing again the same mistake.

All was my falt... I know that today. Everything in my life which was going bad was only my fault and I try to live with it by putting the fault in others. I made suffer many people, close people, the only people who had the hability to put me face to face with the one I am. Plum, Serena, my family, Galahad, Llanja... All those name hurts inside me. All those names turn into my head and hit my heart by thinking of what I lose, how I hurt them, how I hurt myself by the same way. I know everything has begin with my brother uncontrolled power... no, not exactly. It's again a lie. It always has been a lie. Lying is so simple, much more simple than trying to live with what we hide under the lie. It is... totally... a weakness, it is something repulsive and unbelievable. But I did ! How hard it is to admit it, how hurting it is, I did it and I destroyed myself. It would be more acceptable if I only destroyed myself by this way. I only hope the others succeed to reconstruct themself and know that was my fault, not their.

It is a little to late to try to talk about that. I am not even sure if I abble to face it and face them to appologise or... explain, maybe. Explain something I just begin to understand. I never was strong and I never will be. It's not something we can learn, nobody can become totally and absolutly strong. It is another lie and it never was me. I was the second, not the first, not the one on who everything was weighted, even if our family never pushed us to any kind of goal. I just tried to be like my old sister, totally like her, stronger than I was. I know I ever thought that I wasn't jalous of her, but I was wrong, I was ! I was just in the middle and I never really find a suitable place for myself in my family. I always was the indecise, I never knew what I wanted. But I know the only thing I wanted, be known, be seen, at least a little bit.

I won ! I have been seen. Everytime I was arguing against my sister or tearing down my brother, they noticed me, even if it was for punishing me. Finally I wasn't just the middle daughter of the family, I was the daughter who make them crazy.

But now, when I observe all that, I am tired. I am tired, sad and sick. I feel like someone who take a breath after being under water during a too long time. Breath. In. Out. Once again. Never stop. My thoughts are just like clouds. I have no weight. I remember. Everything with a sad and hard precision. I see, I hear, every single word, every single act, everything leading me to that unique point. I am standing right at the top of a cliff. The way is still really long to come back home, safe and in phase, finally, with myself. But there is still a chance, a little possibility for me to fall down to my beginning point, to destroy every steps I pass through, every change I succeed. One little pace to break everything and take the simplier way, the way I only know and always wander.

My hand is stopping during its writting. One seconde, one breath and one thought. I. Don't. Want. To. Fall. Again.

I am standing know, I quit the assembly of prying people to get my way out of this place. I don't really where I'm going, but I know one thing, I will never be alone. Llanja, now my idea of changing his name is stupid, I understand it. Has I was incapable of listenning my crow, as I was blind and not hearing. Now, it is stronger to impose me to be attentive and to stay in place and not running away far from the troubles. Now I am listenning and I am understanding. It's my stupidity that kills the previous part of me which was extracted from me. I never understood, and now it's too late

But I have time now, I can change and I will change. That's why I have something to do. I was drawing since I am here, didn't know why. Now I know. I go to the place I know they can do what I want. Tatoo. For the first time, I will have tatoo. Not any kind of tatoo juste there to be decorative. I will tatoo my last Llanja and my initial, a W... In order to never forget what I forgot during a so long time. I will put it at the place of the heart, in my back. I don't care of not seeing it everyday. It is not a symbol of pain or regrets. It is a symbol of new and memories